


You Thought I Was Happy (But I Don't Deserve It)

by Karlethandra_Merthensa



Series: You Thought I Was Happy [7]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dark Humor, Get ready bois, Heavy Angst, Hurt!Hanzo, Kissing, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Suicide Attempt, hurt!Jesse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 05:17:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11006778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karlethandra_Merthensa/pseuds/Karlethandra_Merthensa
Summary: You Deserve This.You Deserve This.You Deserve This.You Deserve This.Over and over, up and down, side to side.  Black on white.  White on black.  Over and over, over and over, over and over-Enough.





	You Thought I Was Happy (But I Don't Deserve It)

**Author's Note:**

> TRAIN BOARDING FOR DARK-TOWN MOTHER FUCKERS! ALL ABOARD! *blows the whistle and it sounds like a banshee*

_ Lines…  Lines of black against white.  Lines of white against black.  Lines that bled red.  This way and that, that way and this.  Coming in and out of sight, and with each movement it burned.  Burned like lava was being painted on skin.  Burned like a brand so hot the metal had started to melt.  Burned like a soul left in hell. _

_ A mouth fell open, a body convulsed.  Pain…  With each movement of the brush, the body flinched and pulled away only for it to move with him.  Vocal cords burned as they screamed.  Eyes squeezed shut as tears slipped through.  Backs arched as more and more lines were painted.   _

_ Back and forth, forth and back.  Pain, Pain, Pain, Painpainpainpainpain- _

_ A single voice heard, a string of words repeating: _

_“You deserve this._ ** _You deserve this._** ** _You deserve this._** _Youdeservethis_ ** _youdeservethis_** ** _youdeservethis_** _Youdeservethis_ ** _youdeservethis_** ** _youdeservethis_** _Youdeservethis_ ** _youdeservethis_** ** _youdeservethis_** _Youdeservethis_ ** _youdeservethis_** ** _youdeservethis_** _Youdeservethis_ ** _youdeservethis_** ** _youdeserve_** ** _-_**

He sat straight up, coated in sweat and his chest heaving.  His hands went to his stomach, chest, legs, face.  Everything was smooth other than the scars that have been there for years.  His brown eyes widely stared at the blanket that covered his lower half, his hands limp on top, palms up.  He could still feel the burning, the burn in his throat.  He looked around, the white room and his eyes landed on Genji at the foot of his bed, sound asleep.

He couldn’t believe it.  How had he not woken at his screaming?  

He paused.

Did he even actually scream, or was that burn false as well?  He looked at the pristine condition of the covers, still neatly tucked in.  Had he not actually struggled?  Slowly, he slipped from his bed, the image of the lines and the black on white, the white on black the burn-

He hurried out of the room, slipping past a sleeping Angela at the her desk.  He slipped outside, and walked slowly along the corridors.  He didn’t know where he was going, or why, he just needed out of the room.  His jaw ached dully, the bone mostly healed after a bit of time in a biotic field.  His lip was healed as well, all that remained was a small scar on the inside where Thomas had bitten him.

He walked faster.

_ Lines _ .

He started to run.

_ Burning _ .

His feet pounded against concrete, then grass.

_ Black on white. _

He burst through a door, his hands grasping at the railings as he climbed stairs.

_ You. _

He burst through another door.

_ Deserve _ .

Wind almost knocked him down, but he grabbed onto a railing in front of him.

_ This _ .

The smell of the ocean assaulted him, and he looked down.  Down, down, down.  So far down was the ocean.  He was up high, his chest heaving as he fought for breath.

_ A hand on his cheek _ .

He grasped the railing so tightly his knuckles turned white.

_ Fingers trailing down his chest _ .

He fell against the railing, the cold bar a stark contrast to his hot, sweaty skin.

_ A breath on his ear _ .

His shoulders should violently as he let out a sob.

_ Teeth breaking skin _ .

His hands slipped from the railing, 

_ Nails. _

He looked at the ocean…  So far below.

_ Marks _ .

It would be fast.

_ Red _ .

Maybe he would fall asleep halfway down.

_ Wet _ .

Maybe he wouldn’t feel it.

_ You _ .

He stood.

_ Deserve _ .

He grabbed the railing again.

_ This _ .

He started to lean forwards.

_ You _ .

His breath came out in gasps.

_ Deserve _ .

He was halfway over the railing now.

_ This. _

He was ripped back, expecting to hit the wall he closed his eyes, but instead hit something soft.  Warm.  Something that smelled of smoke and whiskey.

_ Jesse _ .

He opened his eyes, looking up to be met with tear filled brown ones, “Please don’t…” He whispered.  He wrapped his arms tightly around Hanzo’s waist.  He buried his face in the smallers hair, and Hanzo stared wordlessly at the tallers chest.

Time passed slowly, and silently.  Jesse didn’t say anything.  Hanzo didn’t say anything.  The wind was biting at his skin, but he didn’t say anything.  He didn’t want to cause a reason for the arms around him to disappear like they  _ always do _ .

Finally, however, Jesse decided he would pull back.  He looked down at Hanzo, lifting a single hand to gently caress his cheek, “Please, darlin’, don’t…  Just don’t.  It’s not worth it…  It’s never worth it.  Please…” Tears were streaming freely from both of them now.  Hanzo stared into the warm, heart broken eyes of Jesse McCree, the man he loved.  Slowly, he reached up and cupped Jesse’s cheek in his hand, wiping away the tears.  

“I’m sorry…” He whispered, “I-I don’t know what-”

“You were whispering.” Jesse replied softly, “What do you deserve?” He stayed silent, but he pinched Jesse’s arm with his free hand.  Jesse’s grip tightened around him, “No…  No you  _ don’t _ deserve that.”

“I killed my brother, Jesse.” He said, “My brother, the remainder of my clan,  _ everyone _ …  I killed them all.  The countless businessmen and women, their children-” He paused, “Oh god, the kids…” His face paled and his body shuddered.

Jesse pulled him against his chest, muttering soft things under his breath, “You didn’t know better Hanzo…  They all but brainwashed you.”

“But the blood is on my hands!” He cried out, tightly clutching Jesse’s shirt in his hands.  

Jesse held on tight, listening to the broken cries from the man he loved, “Darlin’, darlin, sweetheart, baby…  I’ve killed, I’ve tortured, I’ve ripped out men’s throats with my bare hands…  We are the same.”

Hanzo’s cries became mixed with light laughter, “W-what happened to me being a Prince?” The humor was a needed break, although poorly timed.  Jesse laughed regardless, more than used to badly timed jokes-- Most of which were always made by himself.

“Oh, you’re still royalty in my eyes, Darlin’.” He replied.

He stayed silent for a long moment, his tears slowly as he pulled back.  He looked up at Jesse with red, love filled eyes and they made Jesse’s breath catch in his throat, “What if this royal wants to join the Outlaws?” He asked.

Jesse’s heart beat faster, “Well…  I suppose he’ll have to find a way to join…”

He lifted a hand, gently cupping Jesse’s cheek once more.  The large man slightly nuzzled the hand.  Jesse’s mind screamed at him ‘ _No! No! No! Don’t ruin him with your filth!’_ but he couldn’t find it in himself to _care_.   _He_ _wants him_.

_ He needs him.  _

Jesse hesitantly leaned down, reaching up to cup Hanzo’s face in his hands.  Gently, ever so gently he pulled Hanzo closer to him.  He went willingly, his eyes slipping closed.  Jesse closed his own, his throat clench before finally, their lips touched.

The kiss was light, and tasted of salt from their combined tears, but it felt  _ so right _ .  It felt  _ so so  _ **_right_ ** .  He didn’t want to pull back, he didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to breathe.

Jesse didn’t want to either.  Jesse needed this.  The gunslinger pulled the smaller man tighter to him, craving the feeling more and more as the seconds ticked by.  

He wrapped his arms around Jesse’s neck, pulling him closer.  Tighter.  He couldn’t believe this was happening.  He couldn’t believe this was real.  He couldn’t believe he was being allowed this.

Finally, they broke, both desperately needing to breath because of the fact they had forgotten to during the kiss.  Jesse held him close, pressing their foreheads together, “I-You-We-”

“Don’t pull away.” He whispered, “Please, don’t pull away.”

Jesse pulled him impossibly closer, “ _ I’m not going anywhere _ .” He promised.

They slowly sank to the ground, sitting against the wall as they just held each other close.  The sky was starting to brighten when Jesse began to sing.  That silly little lullaby that soothed them both to sleep.

_ Hanzo could never remember a time he felt so safe. _

**Author's Note:**

> YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THE MCHANZO LIVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
> 
> ALSO!:
> 
> I love your face, you deserve every happy thing in the world, -never- left someone tell you any different. You're beautiful, you're worth it. I don't say that because I'm telling you. I don't say the 'The sun is bright' and suddenly the sun is bright. The sun was already bright. I just acknowledged it. You. Are. Worth It.


End file.
